Can we talk? I really like you. I do. I LOVE when you’re nice and ripe and juicy – you’re so sweet and succulent. Eating you is just a pleasure. A real delight. And I really appreciate that. Here’s the thing though. I feel like you guys are NEVER ripe. Why is this? Is it something I’m doing wrong? If that’s the case, I’d really like to help. Please. Just let me know what to do. I think you’re so great, but I can’t handle being continually disappointed by you. I try to be really picky about selecting you at the grocery store. And yet, even when you feel sufficiently squishy to the touch, I get you home , take a bite, and blech! It’s like chewing on a cold potato. I just want to feel your juices running down my arm again. Maybe I should order you from Harry and David? That seems awfully expensive, you guys. Would putting you in a brown paper bag on the counter help? Is that a real thing? I feel like I’m grasping at straws here, pears, but I really want it to work out between us. And, you know, if you have any problems with me, let me know.
Much love,
Tristan
